how to make a great first impression on new co-workers
- Sleep through your alarm by two hours
- Get off at the wrong bus stop and realise you don’t actually know where the conference is; wander around hoping someone recognises you and is willing to acknowledge you
- (But before that glare at a random passer-by because it is That Kind Of Day)
- (Then walk into the room and realise he’s the guest speaker)
- Look really grumpy and unimpressed at the interactive whiteboards. Yawn a lot
- Drink some coffee. Start spitting buzzwords in an attempt to steam-valve your influx of manic energy. Mishear people and call them by the wrong name for the rest of the day. They don’t correct you even when you’re exchanging surnames for Facie connecting purposes
- Make horrible puns about dates (the unseeded kind) and dates (the seedy kind) and sleazywink the co-workers you’ve just met. Find yourself in a group of one (1)
- When asked “What are you passionate about?” other people talk about youth and media and the way personal beliefs inform good practice. When it’s your turn to speak, talk about how you’re secretly convinced you’re anaphylactic but you want to become a beekeeper because, man, BEES. Bees are awesome, they freak you out but you can’t wait to smoke the shit out of honeycombs (not a euphemism). The C.E.O. offers to introduce you to her apiarist friend. You didn’t even need to sleazywink at her!
- Announce you don’t plan to stay for the wall-painting party. Change your mind when you hear there’s booze involved
- Spend a lot of time carefully constructing a bee-themed painting poncho made out of medical waste plastic bags. Spend five minutes actually painting the wall
- Dance excitedly to Kanye and Thunderheist when the C.E.O. sets up her playlist (nobody appreciates Thunderheist the way they should!). She says she saw the live premiere with Kanye present because her friend directed his recent music video. Remind yourself she’s technically your boss and she’s leaving for Montreal soon and also, remember, you’re not into ladies right now
- Use the shelves and emptied beer bottles to play Connect Four. Take stock of your contribution to the playing pieces, realise a month of sobriety has taken its toll on your tolerance
- Eat an entire vegetarian pizza to yourself. Have one of the longest-working dudes there tell you “You’ve been here a week and you’ve made us all your bitches.” Go home and accept all your new Facebook friend requests.
