annotated bibliography
syar asked to see the notebook I use to work out my thought processes.
here are some fragments.
the past few months I’ve been fighting my writing and, by extension, my self.
words are hard to shape if you’re trying to control them. I tried to keep quiet, look busy, limit the amount of white noise I projected. it doesn’t work.
I lost passion and drowned in cool, locked myself into mannerisms while searching for sincerity. slippery thoughts lead to uncertainty and hooking your reference points onto the wrong people, the wrong ideas. loose cannon, free radical. untethered.
hit the wall last week. as I climb over it, and work though the ache, new vistas emerge. overshare or bust: this is how I make sense of the world, I will never learn if I keep to the fences, I will never shame myself into silence again.
—
# of notes to self I actually follow: 0
that time I made macarons for a wedding. yep.
“what did I do over the summer? oh, you know… worked three jobs, monetised my baking, started a zine. the usual.”
rbrau can go trout-fishing in my america IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
I once had to explain why I’m forever half-crazy, and… you know, this diagram didn’t help much.
I’m not even showing you the financial flow chart I mapped out on the opposite page.
HUNGOVER ‘STAFF MEETINGS’
ps this is my diary on any given week
“& me? how can I begin to catalogue the strange sensations I do & do not experience? waking up early, being competent at my job, micromanaging, making time, exhaustion, always saying yes, constant emailing, constant thinking, deliberate drinking, slowly slowly inching towards something tangible, making connections, keeping perspective, appreciating the things I have the people I know the history my self is steeped in. not needing external validation as much (but I guess a part of me is always amused/pleased when it’s there). drawing in all the loose threads, gathering them into purposefulness—but at what cost? a greater degree of reserve, self-awareness, slight discomfort w/ friends encroaching on personal boundaries. I haven’t written anything in weeks, I’m too scared to lose myself in the process. blocking off feeling & sensation to ‘get things done’, got to got to open up to them again but not right now.
cataloguing things in life, realise I have patterns & types (not always bad, fyi): fall for creative types, the complicated kind (oof), make friends w/ free-spirited hippie chicks. what does that say about me? this sober, sensible, organised, driven self is only a thin guise for the self that rages within, the one that still longs to tear down streets singing at the top of my lungs, pull grotesque faces, never try to be attractive, express, create… she’s in there still, biding her time, playing the game to get where she wants. with each month life is getting better. things are pretty okay.”
one phone call can tear down the defenses you spend an entire summer carefully constructing.
do you know how hard it is to describe the numb sensation that spreads when you hear the news? I scrawled these words hiding in the garden while everyone was crying in the kitchen. watermarks and a string of profanity. this is all I’m willing to show you of this page.
hey, have a transcript:
NT: how is LIFE?
me: girl, this week has been the worst.
a friend died on monday and i came out of the vigil on friday to news of the japanese earthquakes, made me go ‘shit son get some perspective and maybe grow up’NT: jesus, how did that even happen?
how is that even a possibility?me: what do you mean? how is it possible to ‘get perspective’?
you just learn to deal with tragedy in all its manifestationsNT: no, how does death happen so young? how do you live that experience?
me: the circumstances—they’re really hard to talk about, but you can imagine every troubled youth cliche and amplify it, and when it happens in your social network EVERYONE feels the aftershocks, forgive my poor use of analogy.
i’m still shaking. i don’t like to talk about it but i kind of have to, you know? if people are wondering why i’ve dropped the ball on things, i’m still trying to refocus on lifeNT: no no, by all means, go on. don’t feel as if you have to interact with me in a certain way.
me: i think i’ve talked most of this out with people, it’s more that i feel like i need to flag this with everyone i need to ‘work’/study with in case i get mad or moody or withdrawn and you are all ‘man pick up your game’ — i’m working on it.
I’m working on it. moving on.
first page, best advice, constant reminder to look forward.
SHOW SOME GUTS
GET CARRIED AWAY
IF IN DOUBT, DOODLE
LEAVE YOUR ROOM TO GET THERE
EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE
LEARNING IS FRUSTRATING/LEARNING IS EXCITING
AVOID THINKING IN STRAIGHT LINES
MAKE IT HAPPEN
IT WILL BE WORTH IT
swag on. always do more. things are okay. tomorrow will be better.
